CommunityFortress

The alternate title for this article is Adventures through the bored and completely wrong mind of a shitty IM medic. This is my take on how the first 16 matches week one of ESEA-IM will give us. This is looking to be a very competitive season and a lot of these games I just had to take a stab at. Best of luck to all teams.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I am the medic for Incestual Princesses and I am a biased human being. If you don't like my predictions, then you have three options. Sit there and nerd rage, post a logical, well formulated and not terribly long (or I wont read it) reason you think I am a blubbering idiot or WRITE YOUR OWN DAMNED PREDICTIONS.
I am 99% sure I got all games and didn't repeat any. If I missed one, say something and I will edit it in.
Get all the goodness after the break

Brads Dick vs Avoided
With no real information available to me about who on Businessmen is playing what class, I really cannot comment too much on the specifics of what each team will be bringing to the table. All I know is that Avoided is a very, very strong team that I can see easily taking out the star studded businessmen roster with no problem. I have never gone into the bandwagon of Avoided taking IM with no problems, but that doesn’t mean I think they are a team to take lightly in any way. Again, I would love to go more into the specifics of this match-up because I believe it could easily be one of the matches to watch this week, but I guess that will have to wait until next week. I am putting Avoided here because I know who they are and what they are capable of and this early on, chemistry is what is going to set them apart from many teams that are just getting back together.
Avoided 5>3 Brad’s Dick

20 Minute Toast vs Mayhem
This one is a complete no-brainer to anyone following IM this season. 20 Minute toast (formerly Nambla), with the solid addition of vhalin, are looking very strong this season and, in my opinion, are a shoe-in for playoffs. I think that the new additions will make this team’s lineup very formidable. I think the only concession Toast will be making here is in demomen. While Rick has been with his team for a long time, gremaud is a very, very solid, powerful demoman and on a demo centric map like snakewater, I can see Mayhem’s demo making this a closer match than it would first seem. However, I don't think Mayhem, led by m0nster defiance, is in any condition this early in the season to be taking this away from 20 Minute Toast. m0nster, though certainly a competent and capable medic that will surely improve over the course of the season, doesn’t have the IM experience that the slow, confident and careful Trekkie does.
20 Minute Toast 4 > 1 Mayhem

Stay Classy vs Juanetic Gaming
Honestly, this is another game that will probably not end with any surprises to anyone. I am not going to take anything away from Stay Classy here, they are a team that I can see going places this season and placing decently amongst what are extremely competitive intermediate teams. While they certainly have the names to drop in, rape and leave, it is the lesser known’s on their roster that give me cause to say they are going to lose this game. As of writing, the team has exactly 5 members paid: Decimate, equalsd, kermit, kwazi and mr.slin. While names like kwazi and kermit are nothing to scoff at, word has it that equalsd will be making his debut as medic in IM. A few seasons back, when I was on BBQ, equalsd set the bar for what I expected out of a pocket. He is a very smart man who I have no doubt will make a great medic.... with experience. As of right now, I dont think this team has what it takes to take this game, not against a very dominate looking Juanetic. With kaidus pumping out the damage and two very powerful, dynamic soldiers, the lackluster (but certainly no slouch) scouts of Juanetic will have the opportunity to apply the needed pressure to take Stay Classy right out.
Juanetic 5 > 1 Stay Classy

Incestual Princesses vs Treason
(yes, I am going to do my own team, I will try to be objective, but hey, this is an opinion peice anyway)
While both of the IM pre-season power rankings have looked down on both of these teams (the princesses more than treason), I see this as being a close game that will be a fantastic introductory game for both rosters. In a very stacked and competitive Intermediate, neither of these teams have what it takes to get themselves to playoffs, instead, these teams will be vying for not being last. Though the princesses don't have the soldier power that they will need this season, on the very demo centric snakewater, Zaxx will have the chance to shine against a Treason that may be in over its head the first couple weeks of the season. Though no slouch of a demo himself, I feel that Bolt’s return may not be all it is cracked up to be. Only time will tell, but I feel that the team will need to step up their chemistry and teamwork to make it anywhere this season. Where I really think this match will be lost, however, is in the scout combos. With everyone’s favorite Canadian spadez joining the powerhouse that is Dr.Thorn, I don’t think kuza will be able to carry matter enough to secure the flank and take down Incestual Princesses’ demoman. This will be a close game and could easily go either way, but I being biased have to tip my hat to an actually fairly strong looking
Incestual Princesses. iP 3 > 1 Treason

Red Flag vs Kawaii Kings
I really feel sorry for Kawaii Kings to be put in this situation, whereas many of the other teams will be playing against opponents that they will stand a fighting chance against, Red Flag just have the Kings outmatched in every category here. Sniper can be really effective on snakewater and there is no doubt in my mind that the monstrosity that is weeble can make it work. Being paired with a scout like snoopy, who can make plays and hold down flanks solo, allowing weeble to do what he does best, Red Flag’s flank is not something that will be easily broken. 38special is an amazing demoman that will output all the damage Wrath needs to easily clean up and destroy Kawaii at mids, allowing Red Flag to just roll onto last every single round. The only mercy that I think RF will be showing our crown-less kings is a short game. I wish the best of luck to Kawaii Kings and hope they prove me wrong, but the skeptic in me just doesn’t see it happening.
Red Flag 5 > 0 Kawaii Kings

Based TF2 vs Leviathan Gaming
This match-up is going to largely be a shot in the dark for me as I haven't seen either of these two teams play very much at all. I wont elaborate like I have been doing for the previous match-ups, but Leviathan’s passive demo (at least more passive than boulder) will really be dragging them down for this really demo centric map. Add that to mgib’s astounding sniping prowess and this match is looking more and more in Based TF2’s favor. However, when you examine the fact that Leviathan’s roster is about as star studded as Stay Classy, but with way more logical class assignments, I really don't see Leviathan losing this game. Boogie and Chompa will have absolutely no problem taking down boulder and unfortunately, I don’t think Based has an answer to them. I expect Based to get outplayed here, but not by a huge margin. It all depends on how well their scouts are on their game.

Leviathan 4 > 2 Based.

Based TF2 vs Pipes of Fury
One look at the roster of Pipes of fury would have you scratching your head and calling me a heretic noob by predicting they will lose this match. But rumor has it that this team’s assignments are all messed up, with Sigma, who in my opinion is among the greatest medics ever to have played this game, playing roaming soldier (about as far away as you can get from medic) and some of the old faces from AG offclassing completely. I am not going to say that this team doesn't have what it takes to compete in IM, but I am going to need to see some proof that they work in these odd completely ass backwards class assignments. The only saving grace Pipes are going to have in this first week is that jake on demoman will be giving boulder a run for his money, but with two completely unproven and unlikely to perform scouts on their roster, protecting jake is going to be nearly impossible. This is going to be a sloppy game and Based is not going to completely roll over Pipes of Fury, but expect to see them cinch out this victory.
Based 5 > 3 Pipes.

Pinball Wizards vs Treason
While Treason has a very good chance of being able to take out the Incestual Princesses, they just have no chance against Pinball Wizards. Zbryan will try and keep his team together, but the absolute monstrosity that is tang will provide a serious challenge if kuza and matter don't play super super tight all game. While I think Bolt is a similarly skilled demoman to hh, but Treason is going to need more than that against the seriously strong soldiers of Pinball Wizards. Treason should be in over their heads with this one, but who knows, a round or two could certainly swing into their favor with some sick focus fire.
Pinball Wizards 5 > 1 Treason

Pipes of Fury vs We Hit Women
I am just going to be honest, neither of these team are looking very strong right now. The only difference I think is that Pipes has the opportunity to switch up to more sane classes. We Hit Women however, don’t. The thing that is going to set We Hit Women apart from Pipes is their demoman, who we can expect to put out HUGE damage numbers on the field. Their soldiers will have no problem cleaning up and their weakest links, their scouts, are up against what I think is an equally weak scouting flank from Pipes. Look for We Hit Women to just brute force their way to Pipes’ last point round after round. It wont be pretty, but it will be effective.
We Hit Women 5 > 2 Pipes of Fury

We Hit Women vs Mayhem
I don’t know why, but my gut is to say that We Hit Women will win this over Mayhem. But I learned fairly quickly while vacationing in Cancun that not only should I never trust my gut, but that I should completely disregard everything it tells me as I would an axe murderer, politician or emo liberal hipster who gets his idea of the real world from reddit and twitter. On paper, there is no way Mayhem should lose this match, gremaud is a monster (as I mentioned earlier) and should have no problem putting out a veritable metric shit ton of damage every single mid. If We Hit Women’s soldiers work some voodoo magic, then I can see them winning a round or two, but honestly, I can’t see them taking any more than that.
Mayhem 5 > 1 We Hit Women

Brad’s Dick vs Red Flag
It is a crying shame that Brad’s Dick has to face off against two of the absolute hardest teams in the league their very first week playing. If you want to see why I think Red Flag will take this, just scroll up and read Red Flag vs Kawaii Kings again. Brad’s Dick was preparing for an easy season in Open but they just aren't in Kansas anymore and they are going to need to prove to me that they can compete in the top levels of IM before I can give them any credit. Red Flag is no Avoided here, but they will prove a similar challenge to Brad’s Dick.
Red Flag 5 > 1 Brad’s Dick.

20 Minute Toast vs Pinball Wizards
If Brad’s Dick turns out to be a complete flop, I think I will have to say that this match is probably the one to watch this week. These are two teams that are very even in many ways, and with the early season being the way it is, I can see these teams having a long, close, very back and forth game. Snakewater is known for its extremely long rounds and I would honestly be very surprised if either team got all the way to 5 points in this game. I think Pinball has the stronger demoman in this matchup, an important aspect on such an enormous map, but 20MT’s soldiers are beasts that will have no problem going double roamer across the sky to just wreck the wizards’ combo. I think that this early in the season, the chemistry that Pinball Wizards got tearing through open will be able to counter the relatively new roster that 20 Minute Toast has put together. This result is a stretch, but I think it is very doable... and I haven't really rooted for an underdog yet.
Pinball Wizards 4 > 2 20 Minute Toast.

Avoided vs Stay Classy
‘nuff said
Avoided 5 > 0 Stay Classy

Incestual Princesses vs Kinetic
The Incestual Princesses have been given a week that is comparatively easy, at least to what it could be (and will be in the coming weeks). At the end of the day however, I cant justify a stretch for them beating out Kinetic. Kinetic has shown themselves to be a very aggressive and DM heavy team, something that the haphazardly organized and impatient iP will have a lot of difficulty countering. This is really Kinetic’s match to lose, and I just cant see them doing it. The only opening iP will have is the relatively weak scouting pair of Dante and Jav. If spadez and Thorn work together to overpower the usually isolated and uncoordinated scouts from Kinetic, it can give them the opening they need to get in on ninjanick and Jake Rockwell. The real unknown is Dante here, it is clear he has the sheer DM to play in IM, but at this level, everyone has DM, the real question will be whether he has the gamesense and knowledge he will need to do the work his team so desperately needs him to do. I have to give this game to Kinetic, but if they are going to come out and play half-assed, a prepared Incestual Princesses will be able to steal this game from them.
Kinetic 5 > 3 Incestual Princesses

Kawaii Kings vs Leviathan Gaming
While certainly no Red Flag, Leviathan Gaming will have no problem taking this game away from Kawaii Kings. With all the heal dependant heavies on their team and two scouts that, lets face it, have to fight Boogie and Chompa, I don’t see Kawaii Kings ever gaining the momentum they need to push here. I can see Kawaii Kings taking a round off Leviathan because they win mid, but don’t expect anything flashy.
Leviathan 5 > 1 Kawaii Kings

Kinetic vs Juanetic
One word. Kaidus. The European powerhouse that will take Kinetic and destroy them so thoroughly, Jeffrey Dahmer would have to look away. I just don’t think that Kinetic has the ability to shut down Kaidus, and the scouts from Juanetic will make it very difficult for Kinetic to do anything at all.
Juanetic 5 > 1 Kinetic