The alternate title for this article is Adventures through the bored and completely wrong mind of a shitty IM medic. This is my take on how the first 16 matches week one of ESEA-IM will give us. This is looking to be a very competitive season and a lot of these games I just had to take a stab at. Best of luck to all teams.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I am the medic for Incestual Princesses and I am a biased human being. If you don't like my predictions, then you have three options. Sit there and nerd rage, post a logical, well formulated and not terribly long (or I wont read it) reason you think I am a blubbering idiot or WRITE YOUR OWN DAMNED PREDICTIONS.
I am 99% sure I got all games and didn't repeat any. If I missed one, say something and I will edit it in.
Get all the goodness after the break

Yes way! Check it out:

http://store.steampowered.com/stats/

There are more than 100,000 people playing TF2 right now (100,965 to be exact). 20,000 more and TF2 will have more players than both Counter-Strikes. Get online and join the fun!

Given the large amount of people interested in writing about ESEA and the large number of teams competing this season, I want to designate someone as the Head of Coverage for the league. Since I don't have time to keep track of all of the matches, players, upsets, debates, and so on, it would be great to have someone as my go-to guy for CommFT's ESEA Season 9 coverage. This person would need to interact with all of our ESEA writers and potential ESEA writers in addition to providing coverage of the league.

So, rather than just appeal to you guys for someone to step up to the plate, I am hosting a competition for those who are interested in managing Community Fortress's ESEA coverage for this coming season. Interested candidates should email me a sample article (on a topic of their choice within the realm of ESEA S9), a paragraph documenting their experience in the competitive TF2 community, and a paragraph explaining why they are best suited for the position. My email is graham [at] communityfortress.com and applications are due by Friday, July 1st. The winner will work closely with me and Free and will receive minor monthly financial compensation for their efforts.

In related news, I have removed posting privileges from the following inactive writers: Kuiper, djfivenine, leogeo2, snowblindfrog, Bodknocks, smitherz, G-Mang, falkflyer, improperdancing, forsaken, Sway, Adam, Shwan, bcarr, Trogdor, Viper, Alar Ensis, wastelands, verticaL, nX, Infamous, GooB, Magus, ymmud, brute-, and Sakura. If any of these writers want to continue writing, they should contact me either on the forums or via Steam. We are looking to grow with the influx of new players, the burgeoning Highlander scene, and the resurgent 6v6 community; inactive or inconsistent writers will be removed promptly.

Hello, hello, mutated is back with a vengenance to bring you coverage of the UBER UPDATE! If you were standing, please, sit down and relax as we throw down everything we know (and some things we don't) about the 218th patch!

We'll start with the most obvious addition to the game: weapons!

Black Market Business - Heavy

Tomislav - This little guy is a minigun with a 75% faster, silent wind-up, but it fires 20% slower. Right now, I'll be honest, it's a beast. I can't find the chart at the moment, but I've been told it outdamages the Minigun for four complete seconds. It also enables Heavies to be even more nimble than they already were with the GRU and Steak. I'm expecting a nerf in the near future.

Family Business - A new secondary unlock that isn't a food? Remarkable! It carries 8 shots at once, but deals 15% less damage. The Sandvich is still the secondary of choice in most situations, and this little number isn't quite the quick-reflex shot like the Shotgun is, with its reduced damage. If you've got time to pump out eight shots, don't you have time to spin up your minigun (especially the Tomislav)? Probably underpowered in the long run.

Eviction Notice - A pair of brass knuckles that swing 50% faster, but deal 60% less damage. Again, this isn't bad compared to the Fists, per se, but it loses out to the melee power creep that the Heavy suffers from. It can't match the GRU or FoS in terms of game effectiveness, which unfortunately condemns it.

Ladies and gents, it's Friday!  The weekend!  Take off your ties, grab forty ounces of malted beverage, and set fire to noobs!  In-game.  Set fire to noobs in-game.  Come on, now.  Don't make me put disclaimers down.

Even better than Friday?  We're going into Week 11 of the CommFT Highlander Tournament, the championship brackets!  The best of the best are getting ready to slug it out on Turbine and this edition of the Strategy Series takes one of those championship teams to task.  Mustardoverlord, from Oedipus and the Motherfuckers, has given me the goods.  Not content to type a few measley sentences, he has given me a saga of victory, a bard's tale of power-drunk digitial vikings on their mad expedition to control points unknown.

What is best in life?

To pick the enemy Medic, hear the screams of their Scouts, and to see them driven into their spawn before you.

Team Name

Hi, I'm mustardoverlord, team captain and demoman for a pretty nifty team called Oedipus and the Motherfuckers. We're more of a “competitive circle jerk” team than a lot of highlander teams, as every single one of our members will be in Esea-O or Esea-IM this season. We're not all from the same team, although a decent amount of us (Swarth, Schnell, Robotic, Nosferatu, and myself) have been on a team called simpLicity at some time or another, and another group of guys (mgib, Curdle, Root, and guy_) are from a mini circle jerk of their own! We haven't lost so far in the tournament, and are gonna finish in the top 3 no matter what we do, but complete victory is far from assured.

Ladies and gents, top-fraggers and bottom bumpers, welcome back to Screaming Eagles.

I get a lot of messages and PMs asking me about team management.  Free, they ask, how do you manage your team?  Is it hard to be a team captain?  Is it stressful?  Do you wake at night, screaming, the sheets soaked in sweat, the dread phantoms of captainhood submerged at the edge of the mind like Moby Dick outside a yacht club?

Free, they ask, do you ever sleep?  Do you dream?

I dream, good readers.  I dream of nightmare vistas and rosters shifting like tectonic plates.

Allow me to elaborate.

Ladies and gents, you, yes, you are called upon to help support the CommFT Highlander Tournament!

How? you ask.  How may I, a servant of the gibs, possibly assist in the mighty endeavor that is the CommFT Highlander Tournament?

By donating to the Highlander Purse!  See the front page?  See the DONATE button on the front page?  Well, if all of you donated $2.00 -- just two measley dollars -- we would more than double our current prize pot!  We could do wondrous things!  We could buy the moon!  We could spawn more overlords!  Huzzah!

But seriously, every dollar or euro contributed goes to the winning teams in each conference on top of the promised $50 per conference.  So, help us reward the teams that have battled valiantly in the HL tourney!  Be a pal!  Frag with love (and money)!

Ladies and gents, welcome back to another edition of the CommFT Highlander Strategy Series!

Fact: we live in exciting times!  The CommFT Highlander Tournament is gathering steam for the finals!  Casted matches are going off left and right! CEVO has just announced a Summer HL tournament!

What's a person to do in all this excitement?  How, in this unrelenting summer blaze, does one shy away from over-heating?  How does one prevent one's face from combusting, the top of one's head from shooting off, a strange roman candle, while neighbors look on in awe.  Look, Billy. Free's head done come off again.  Go get your sister and set up the soccer net.

Fact: Sit back, have a cool drink, and relax with some Highlander strategy.  In this edition, Gambles tells it like it is in the EU Highlander scene.

Team Name

Quad damage (UK's finest)

Vod Link: Here

The CommFT Highlander Tournament keeps rolling along!  The Upper Bracket is mostly settled, but there are still a handful of matches to resolve in the lower bracket. Tonight at 6:30 PM Pacific, we have a match-up between Never Ready and Free Beavis on PL_Badwater.

Never Ready features Hildreth and other players from the Highlander team Unbelievably Brave Sweethearts, while Free Beavis has Daniel and Orzo on their roster.

Should be a great time, hosted by eXtine and Parable.

Ladies and gents, do you love Highlander?

The answer is yes!  You love Highlander!  You want Highlander!  You need Highlander!  And as the Community Fortress Highlander Tournament is blasting into its final weeks, there's good news afoot: CEVO is running its first Highlander Tournament!

Check it out here and get your team signed up!