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Ladies and gents, welcome to the Summer 2011 UGC Highlander League Season 4 coverage for weeks 1 and 2.  We're getting a bit of a late start due to sorting out all kinds of new awesomeness here on CommFT, but the time of great fear is over.  Take thy towel from thy head, extract thyself from under the bed.  Get the dust bunnies off your head!  Four  sentences in and we're rhyming.

My God, get the rubbing alcohol.  Get the rivet gun and the piles of oily rags.  Prepare for blunt trauma.

Prepare for Highlander after the break!

Week 1: cp_freight_final1

Platinum Division

Season 4 started off with a bang with Gun Runners knocking Sexy Ass Gamers down 5-0, but the real kicker was Classic Mix-Up edging a one-point lead over Target Sucks, a sliver victory at 4-3.  Classic is an insanely strong team, and while Target's no slouch in the roster department, they certainly brought their A-game to take it down to the wire.  Death Marked Soldiers and Inglorious Broadcasters took their respective matches 5-0, setting up an week 2 bookie's dream.  Underdog showings?  Not this week.  See you 'round the bend.

In the Euro division, Genocide and Commander X and the Sex Kittens smoothed out 5-0 and 5-1 respectively.

Steel

Pound for pound, my money's on the Steel division for upsets, overturns, and blistering, unpredictable action--and I'm not saying that just because my team's in that division.  No!  The Free has morals, standards!  They involve call girls, copious amounts of liquor, bazookas and public demonstrations of explosive breaches of law!  Felt took A Tin Team 4-2 in a massive upset.  "We had some roster problems," said Die-No, Sn's captain.  Reports trickled in of team in-fighting and mutiny.  Folks, if there's one thing a Highlander team needs, it's nine people working like a well-oiled death machine.  Felt, it seems, had the lube.

Self-Sustaining Mexican Cat Ranch smacked the teeth out of Funky Ninjas.  I should know because I got a molar stuck in my sole.  Amidst all those teeth were the shredded remains of Axl's A+ Team and Knights of the Harsh Realm, taken respectively by Axl-Ffu and Inter-Galactic Space Pimps 5-1 and 5-1.  My own team, Magical Frolicking Unicorns, whooped on the new, soft Overly Sexy Secretaries, but the victory was oh-so bitter.  OSS is comprised of polite, refined gentlemen, the kind of folks that make playing Highlander such a blast.  We tip our hats to them.  If they were slot machines we would plunge ourselves into them, shiny coins to a greater purpose.  We love you, OSS!  Every gib hurt our hearts!

Match of the week: Gangsta Gang Gaming vs Desolation Angels.  At the end of nasty first half, DesA stood tall on a 3-0 lead, bruised but not battered.  Come second half, GG layered on the pain, coming back to tie it up 3-3 in a frag-fest worthy of the annals of CommFT.  In a brutal overtime finish, GG edged out the win, 4-3.  Onward to week 2!

Week 2: cp_warmfront

Platinum Division

Smarting from their week 1 loss, Target Sucks strikes back to take Be Right Back, Uninstalling 5-0.  Classic Mix-Up cleans up Inglorious Broadcasters 5-2, and Unbelievably Brave Sweethearts, also smarting to a week 1 loss to IB, nails a 5-0 stompfest on the dry husk of Common Union of Bastard Interrobangers.  My suggestion?  C.U.B.I.'s team name instilled in uBs a primal fury, a tongue-twisting rage linked to a primordial fury triggered by team names consisting of too many syllables.  Focus, people, focus!

In the Euro division, Commander X and the Sex Kittens rained blood and cat fur on Genocide, 4-2.  Exodus Jedi took a forfeit win over Max-Play Highlander Team, and Combat steamed, served, and devoured Hippocopter 5-0. That's a lot to take in!  Make ready with the extra-strength Pepto and double-ply toilet paper!

Steel Division

The tides turn!  Felt was knocked from their pedestal of victory with an 0-5 loss to Knights of the Apocalypse and A Tin Team squished and squashed OSS 5-0 with time left to wipe the gooey bits from their boots before they go to the IHOP for very late breakfast.  On the menu? Cohesion, hopefully.  Reports of Sn's medic not having a mic spell certain doom unless that problem gets fixed post-haste, but with team leader Die-No AWOL for a bug chunk of the week, Sn's strength going into week 3 is uncertain at best.  Here's the team to watch, folks: will they pull it together and stabilize, or are we going to see a week 4 slump with a mud drag into the semis?  Time will tell.  But if they'd be so kind as to order me an omelet, I'll pick up the tab.

Desolation Angels rolled Exodus Society 5-0 and Team Player treated the week 1 byers Mannered Mercs in similar fashion.  Self-Sustaining Mexican Cat Ranch forefeited to Magical Frolicking Unicorns due to player shortage, and we tip our hats to them.  RANCH, like OSS, are wondrous beings; team leaders Kessel and Boogie Boy are rare creatures possessed of manners and etiquette on the chaotic Cthulhu dribble that is the Internet.  I have a dream, folks.  Somewhere on a dusty Arizona landscape those cat ranchers are huddled around the fire.  The day's work is done and their hands are sore and calloused from labor.  There is grit in their eyes and dirt in their mouths and they drink cold coffee in the evening's wan light. The sun a sinking ball of fire.  "Next week," says Kessel.  The ranchers nod.  Their cats meow.  A ball of twine rolls by.  In their guts: lumps of hope.

Match of the week: Gangsta Gang Gaming vs Stock 4 Pubs.  Two in a row for GG?  Sold!  GG takes it 5-2, but s4p prevents it from being a wipe with one hard-fought point each round.  Well-played, folks!

Week 3 Predictions

Platinum Division

This week, I'm going with safe bets.  Look for DMS over SAG, Target Sucks over IB, and BRB,U over s2.  gR should take BFF and MCCT will sqeek past C.U.B.I. with uBs knocking down LL like a stack of paper bowling pins.  The wild card match here goes to ExJedi vs Classic.  So far, Classic has been unable to wipe a team, and despite ExJedi's FFW last week, they're going to have to bring the best to stand a chance of tarnishing that Classic polish.  My money is on Classic, but I wouldn't be surprised to see ExJedi pull an upset.

On the far Euro shores, look for Gen over hippo!, Sex Kitten over CF, and Sf over MPHT.

Steel Division

KR over OSS in what should be a follow-through of previous weeks.  Look for EX over PM, Axl-Ffu over 28RL, TP over TOO, CSn over Felt, KA over ITL, and FFN over Gee.  If this week's Platinum division offers little room for chaos, this week's Steel match-ups are the straight jacket escapees of Highlander.  RANCH should take DesA (roster problems aside), but MFU vs GG and Sn vs A+Axl are the big wild card matches this week.  My team's been shaping up, but can we withstand the pummeling GG is bound to bring?  Can Sn and A+Axl, two teams plagued with internal friction, get their cylinders firing?  Hot matches, ladies and gents!  Get the hose!

The full match schedule can be seen here.  Bear in mind that week 3 grinds out on cp_dustbowl_pro, a map that incites rage in all but the most stalwart.  Hideous spawn locations?  Massive Sniper sight-lines?  Health packs sprinkled about like orphans at the anti-contraception camp?  Check, check, and gross.

Agree?  Disagree?  Hit up the comments, add me on Steam, and play some Highlander!  There can be only one team of nine!